Where our story last left off, I was faced with the choice of how to deliver my “sample” to the doctor’s office after my recent vasectomy. The sample is to determine whether the procedure worked, you know, to make sure I don’t have any “Michael Phelps” swimming around inside of me. So I decided to go to the doctor’s office on my lunch break today and of course, it couldn’t just be a simple visit….go figure.
Let’s start by saying that I was a nervous wreck the entire morning at work, thinking about what I was going to have to do and where I was going to have to do it. My stomach was hurting and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Even as I’m driving over, I’m even more nervous. I park in another doctor’s office parking lot because there is no parking in my doctor’s lot. Of course I’m waiting for a security guard or cop to come over and say, “you can’t park here unless you’re a patient.” What do I say? “No problem officer, I’m just here to rub one out, I’ll be back shortly.” Luckily, no one hassled me and I made my way into the building.
The elevator ride up to the 4th floor took forever. It was God awful. When I finally reached the 4th floor and I’m getting ready to walk into my doctor’s office, I’m thinking to myself, please don’t let there be a waiting room full of people and a full staff behind the desk. Please! Please! Please! Well, I got half my wish. Only 3 people in the waiting room, but 3 behind the desk. Now the hard part, telling this young lady why I was there.
ME: “I’m here to give you a sample.”
HER: “a urine sample?”
ME: thinking to myself, “really, I have to say it out loud. God, you either hate me or have a kick ass sense of humor.” I say to her in the lowest, softest voice I can muster: “semen.”
HER: “oh, you had a vasectomy.”
ME thinking to myself: “Bingo honey, thanks for screaming it, now let’s get on with this nightmare.”
HER: “I’ll take your sample.”
ME: thinking to myself: “really, I’ve got to explain to you that YOUR OFFICE PROCEDURE requires me to give it to you straight from the tap?” I don’t say that, what I say is, “no, the doctor’s nurse said the sample has to be less than an hour old. “
HER: “Oh, really?”
ME: thinking to myself: “no honey, I just prefer jerking off in local medical facilities, I’m strange like that.”
Of course she has to consult with the other two young ladies to find out where to send the gray haired guy to go “wax his carrot.” As she leads me back to the very rear of the office to what I’m assuming is a private area, I notice that it’s right next to the break room. Beautiful, just beautiful!! And of course, it’s 1:15, so someone’s in there having lunch. Just my freakin luck. So I close the door, check the lock twice to make sure no one can open it and I try to get myself in the mood but the entire time I can hear someone putting food into the microwave, slamming the microwave door, etc. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! I just want to spank my monkey and get the hell out of there!!”
Fast forward for your benefit. I’ve completed this nightmarish task, which wasn’t easy, strategically I mean. But I get it into this little cup and it’s important that I preface this last part with this…I’ve been a salesman my entire life. Eye contact is something vital to me. I don’t like people that don’t make eye contact and I make eye contact with everyone. The eyes are really the window to the soul. Impressive, right? Pretty deep for a jack off story…ok, back to the story. As I’m walking my sample up to the front desk, I almost dropped it off like a relay runner handing off the baton to the next runner. I couldn’t make eye contact with any of the three up there. I’d give a million bucks to know what they were thinking, it had to be hilarious. I know I’d be mocking the Hell out of me.
So now I begin the “walk of shame” back to my car. Here’s another difficult part to this story. I have to GO BACK TO MY FREAKIN JOB NOW!!!! This isn’t like I went home for a crazy or romantic “nooner.” Nooooo!! I choked my chicken and now I have to try and resume my normal work day. Yeah, good luck with that Dave. All I know is that sample better come back negative of any live swimmers because if I have to go back and do that again, I’m bringing a dateJJ